Diagnosing Horseracing Addiction

Have you noticed unwelcome changes in your life? Are these changes linked to hours spend at the local racecourse or at the closest tote? Do you believe that an obsession with horseracing could be damaging your relationships, career or self esteem?

If so, you may want to work through the following short questionnaire formulated by some of the world’s foremost sports psychologists. Simply answer each of the questions below to the best of your ability and compare your total to the addiction scale at the bottom of the page.

Complete the following sentence: When the going gets tough…

The tough get going
The answer depends on whether the word ‘going’ is being used as an adjective or noun
You should know when to quit
The racecourse needs watering

What is the difference between a colt and a gelding?

They’re the same thing
One’s a gun the other is slang for a female welder at work
They’re both male horses, although the second one has been castrated

What is a handicap?

A humorous cartoon character in the Sunday papers
Something that comes in useful when you want to keep the sun or rain off your head
An inability to perform a physical task which can be performed by a normal person
The weight carried by a horse to level the field

Red Rum was/is…

Used to make pina coladas and other tasty tropical drinks
The word murder written backwards and proof that horseracing is a form of satanism
A racehorse that won the Grand National three times in the 1970s
Cockney slang for blood

If asked to, you could identify the following items at the Royal Ascot Meeting:

The Queen
The Rail
The difference between Camilla Parker Bowles and the winner of the Ascot Gold Cup
The Stretch

You or your wife have worn a fascinator


If a punter suggested you to go to the tote to place an exacta on the Bismarck and the bay with the blinkers you would:

Tell them to piss off
Report them to the nearest mental asylum
Go to a bookmaker and place bets on the bookmaker’s favourite and the brown horse with eye guards to finish the race in first and second place respectively

Ginger McCain is:

A frozen ginger julienne marketed by the famous frozen foods company
The red-headed granddaughter of former Republican presidential nominee John McCain
The winner of the 2007 World Hurdle
A legendary trainer of national hunt racehorses

Which of these is the best definition of a jockey:

An expensive brand of underpants modeled by men with six-packs
A malnourished pygmy with a high voice
A world class sportsman willing to sacrifice his safety and body to the demands of the greatest sport on earth

You have had a centerfold from the Racing Post stuck up on your wall at any point in your life